Why people pleasers

Finding likeminded others for support is key. Sometimes people grow with us and sometimes we outgrow certain relationships. Setting boundaries and staying out of agenda about what others do can feel like a full time job sometimes! Best wishes to you in your healing process. This made me cry because this is me to a T. It effects everything about my life every day. I definitely would like to learn to not be such a people pleaser.

Hi, Amanda! It can be a powerful strategy for survival, but is exhausting to do all the time. Thanks for your interest in my work! The newsletter link is at the bottom of each page of the website in the footer.

Interesting to know more about myself by your article. My mother died when I was in grade 2 and my father has been very lonely then, he gives us needs at least financially but lacks the support that I have been longing for. I was always looking for attention and tried my best to be excellent in everything I do. I make sure to please my family, friends, and partner. I am hoping to find ways how to improve this aspect, know and love myself more. I always felt secure with my parents and had their love ,so pleasing them was not an obsessive problem.

I felt safe. But yes, i did like pleasing them and making them proud because I was proud of them and who I was. I loved myself and loved my sister who was not a pleaser but had difficulty in the home with them and as often violent towards me.

Later in life, when I had severe panic attacks, anxiety and social paralysis,as a sober woman who quit smoking hard to do try it sometime I wasnt trying to please to them nor could I speak freely from severe sexual harassment that is why I seemed upset.

But it was more in the community growing up, that I felt a need to please others, that my parents were not looking at the importance of helping me stand up for myself or stand with me to have my own voice, psychology and assert my own rights and identity.

If I had had conflicts, I know we all would have learned but those conflicts and learning Never happened. Those important passages were denied, protected or subversively suppressed as a means to protect me from pain and a painful cruel situation it is!.

I have a voice now and I use it, hopefully without torture, abuse, force and more continual systemic abuse of my person since and I know I was fine then and will be again. I live my life by learning to grow and learn about my own personal intergrity somethings I didnt lend as a heavy drinker since 16 and boundaries and at 51 I dont care as much what others think of me, although it still bothers me ALOT but I know know that it s my life.

The tears are streaking down my face after reading this. My Mom is also — and has always been — unreliable in every way, including emotionally. My Dad left when I was 11, and I had to be the support for my Mom when my heart was broken too. That was in January , and his words still echo in my head at times.

Throughout my teens and adult life I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and various other issues, including attempts to sabotage my marriage by pushing him away because I was convinced he was going to leave me anyway so I might as well give him a reason to. Thank all the stars he never has. Based on the clinical criteria, this people pleaser trait is actually a maternal inherited predisposition from the mother.

People are simply born with it rather than learn it. Biology and temperament are a part of the picture, but nurture, including attachment bonds, cultural values and expectations, and family dynamics also play a large part in whether people pleasing develops. Some of the things here apply to me. The withholding of approval and compliments, my Mom does it all the time.

She always did. And replace it by criticism. I am not saying that I am an angel,but a lot of her behavior took its toll on me for most of my childhood. The parents busy thinking about something else. Well yes, but that apply more with my dad.

He is very preoccupied by our financial security. Always did side jobs beside his main job. And the thing is, while he does his utmost best to not show it to us, I know he is unwell somehow.

So for a unknown amount of time in my childhood I was stuck between a very present but criticizing, stressed and distant mom and a stressed and mostly absent Dad. I was well fed and cared for but alone. I felt really lonely. Of course we had good moments too and I am grateful but…yeah. There is also the fact that my mom never…never empathise with my feelings. She always minimize them.

It show she cares but… I confessed to being addicted to the use of Youtube. I took that as a coping mechanism for negative emotions. I have also a bad habit of seeking food for comfort. I manage to not do it most of the time, but in some periods of high stress, I end up mistaking stress for hunger and that caused me to take a lot of pounds. Sorry for changing the subject. Mom and me never had a emotionnal conforting conversation with each other.

I had a few of them with dad. I will try my best to be better. Thanks for your advices and wisdom. I confessed to my parents my addiction problem, but all they did was to tell me to take a vacation job.

Maybe I am a little lazy but I mostly feel emotionally exausted. I am trying my best, looking around, reading sites like yours to try a have a grip before school starts… If you have some advice that would be really cool. Thanks you very much for all your efforts and for the help you are providing for people like me. Would this be considered people pleasing behavior or would this be considered another type of behavior?

Name required. Mail will not be published required. What makes a people pleaser. Am I codependent? Codependency therapy in Austin. Ann Stoneson is an Austin therapist specializing in people-pleasing , trauma recovery , new moms , and therapy for therapists. Serving the Austin community with an open heart and an open mind since Click here to read more about Ann.

Code: Retype Code:. Wondering what makes a people-pleaser? Buried under a never-ending to-do list? Feel guilty saying no? Worried what others think? Some of the skills that people-pleasers have include… Taking the temperature of a room ie, tuning into how a situation feels Blending or editing themselves to fit in with the group Intuiting what other people think , feel, and need in a situation Caring for others, anticipating needs, and generally being indispensable Strong work ethic People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with a lack of security in a relationship.

How do they learn to do this? Want to get to get to the bottom of your own people pleasing tendencies? Enjoy the rest of the post! Because of their preoccupation, the parents would blow hot and cold. So, one moment they might be affectionate and loving, and the next distant, absent, or worried. This is very confusing for the child. Early lessons in people-pleasing Over time, the people-pleasing child learns that her parents are unreliable.

But she cannot stop depending on them, and she longs for close, consistent connection. So she may get good at propping up parents emotionally. And so she begins to practice her people-pleasing skills. What causes people pleasing takes root Parental emotional inconsistency is what causes people pleasing.

Learn more about what makes a people-pleaser If you recognize yourself or your childhood in this post, take heart. The first step in making changes is in putting words to what is happening. Want to learn more? Why am I writing this book? Three reasons. Emerald -. Ann Stonebraker -.

Cox -. Ann Stoneson -. Sandra -. People-pleasing tends to involve a fear of anger. This is pretty logical. You might also fear conflict that has nothing to do with you. But trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping people happy. If you spend all your time doing things for others, the people you help might recognize and appreciate your sacrifices.

But they might not. In either case, being nice with ulterior motives can eventually cause frustration and resentment. Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of people-pleasing tendencies. They may not be able to name the behavior. And you keep saying yes, because you want to keep them happy. But this can have serious consequences. You might face financial problems if people ask for monetary assistance.

You could also be at higher risk for manipulation or mental or emotional abuse. But this prevents them from learning valuable life skills. Healthy, strong relationships are balanced and involve give-and-take.

You do nice things for loved ones, and they do the same for you. One huge impact of people-pleasing is increased stress. This can easily happen when you take on more than you can handle for others. You also find yourself with less time for things you really need to do. To get the bare essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually facing physical consequences of worry and stress.

People-pleasing can also backfire when you do so much for others that you take away their agency to do things for themselves.

Loved ones may also get upset when you lie or tell a modified version of the truth in order to spare their feelings. Instead, they tend to develop from a combination of factors, including the following. Here's how. Boundaries are essential to having strong and healthy relationships. Having healthy boundaries means establishing your limits and clearly expressing….

Boundaries aren't rules, let's start there. See what principles are healthful and needed for a rock-solid relationship. We've heard of the "year of yes," now it's time to learn the right time and way to say no to maintain self-care and give room for mental wellness. Do you have toxic family members? How can you protect yourself? In this podcast, we talk about setting boundaries with harmful relatives.

Lebow — Updated on July 19, Am I a people-pleaser? Tips to stop people-pleasing. Why am I this way? Read this next. How to Set Boundaries with Kindness Our boundaries should reflect compassion for ourselves and others. There is a distinction between doing things to be nice and doing things because you're a people-pleaser.

People often do nice things for a range of reasons: to feel good, to help, to return a favor, or to earn a favor. Fortunately, there are some steps that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own. It's important to know your limits, establish clear boundaries , and then communicate those limits. Be clear and specific about what you're willing to take on. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it's over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won't be able to help.

There are also other ways to create boundaries in your life to help reign in your people-pleasing tendencies. For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you are able to talk. You might also explain that you are only available for a specific period of time. This can be helpful because it ensures that you have control of not only what you are willing to do, but also when you are willing to do it.

It can be hard to make a sudden change, so it is often easier to begin by asserting yourself in small ways. Changing behavioral patterns can be difficult. In many cases, you not only have to retrain yourself—but you also have to work on teaching the people around you to understand your limits.

Because of this, it can be helpful to start with small steps that help you work your way to being less of a people-pleaser.

Start by saying no to smaller requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need. For example, try saying no to a text request. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person. Practice in different settings or situations such as when talking to salespeople, ordering at a restaurant, or even when dealing with co-workers.

Every time you take a small step away from being a people-pleaser, you'll gain greater confidence that will help you take back control of your life. Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.

If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. As you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don't really want to do, you'll find that you have more time to devote to the things that are really important to you.

If you start to feel overwhelmed or tempted to cave, build up your resolve with positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it.

Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do. Before you make a decision, ask yourself:. Research has also found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy. By giving yourself a moment, you'll be better able to accurately decide if it is something you have the desire and time to take on. Another step toward overcoming being a people-pleaser is to look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity.

Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favor? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask because they know that you won't say "no? If it feels like you're being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request.